okaasanimee

Thank you! Thank you! It’s another glorious day for me. Why? Because it’s my birthday  Although the snow has never stopped falling, and ice is building up on the ground I just have a warm feeling inside me, that today is going to be a good day. Everything around me is powder-white. The trees, houses, all were blanketed with snow. At the stroke of midnight, my kids gathered by my bedside and greeted me “happy birthday” with the usual iloveyou’s, hugs & kisses.  I was happy, it made my heart happy. 

 I hardly slept.  Shiloh (my dog) was sound asleep,  as a matter of fact he was snoring. I turn to him and  there I was … crying. Everything is changing in my life.  I have so much in mind, that I seldom think a clear thought. I am somehow sporatic the past few months, my brain is scattered and my hormones are in a riot.  Often times, I wake up in the middle of the night to read a book …which I’ve been trying to finish for so long now. Is this what you call, “pre-menoupausal syndrome”? Oh well, it’s no fun! I have mixed feelings (physically & emotionally), good or bad, I can’t really tell.  I am more sensitive than usual. I want to be appreciated more. I worry like crazy and I’m becoming over-protective on my girls. Is this how it’s suppose to be when you’re in your 40’s? There’s a fear in me that always seem to be brewing, about the safety of my loved ones.  I don’t know what it is, but hope is never lost. I ‘m prayerful and I know they will always have guidance from up above.  Despite of all the health issues that concerns me, I am thankful for countless reasons. Life first of all is precious, my faith, my family … everyday is brand new.

After the death of my mother, I find it hard to let go. I try to put memories in the back of my mind when I’m alone. I know that life goes on and I don’t want to drown myself in sorrows for I have a family of my own to take care of. But when you lose someone, you lose yourself. You want to go with them, even if it scares you half to death. I guess, I have immense love for her because she was a very giving and true person. I could never get over her passing and my biggest thanks is…she was chosen to be part of my life. I know I will never fill this empty spot inside of me…but I believe that I will be okay. I will be better. I just need to let time heal its wound.  At this age, I still need mothering, not to be nagged or scolded, just to constantlybe reminded that I am a daughter too , who needs attention & most of all  someone who believes in you and for whatever it is, you will be accepted &  loved unconditionally. Cheers as I celebrate this day to the woman who sacrificed a lot! Cheers to you Mom.

p.s. i will share my blog about her  later on.

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